


ourselves, and immortality

by starstrikes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Oh wait, Sick Character, idk what else to tag this with, sakusa is in the hospital and he might be dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:00:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22451551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstrikes/pseuds/starstrikes
Summary: All their visits go like this, filled with Atsumu’s rambling until he runs out of words and they’re left in quiet limbo, both unsure of what to say because what is there to be said? What do you tell somebody who’s about to die and what do you tell somebody who’s about to lose the person they love? Open-ended questions leave both of them in uncomfortable silence, until eventually one of them, usually Atsumu, breaks.Sakusa closes his eyes as Atsumu goes down his usual winding spiel, listens to frustrated sobs tear from Atsumu’s chest and the “this isn’t fair”s and the “there’s just not enough time”s.“Have you heard the story of Laika?” He asks instead.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 154





	ourselves, and immortality

**Author's Note:**

> tw//implied character death (in the future)
> 
> if you've read a copy of this from my twitter, yes, i've written a little more here and there just to fulfill my obsessive needs for an objectively perfect wordcount, so this is now exactly 1.5k instead of being somewhere in the 1200s
> 
> pls enjoy this piece of angst :)

There’s something about the stark _whiteness_ of hospitals that Sakusa can’t stand.

It’s surprising, really. Anybody who knew him would expect hospitals to be exactly the sort of place he would appreciate, with its obsessive sterilisation and overall sanitation, but for some reason, how perfectly clean they are make Sakusa sick in a whole new different kind of way.

Perhaps it’s the loss of control that gets to him. He can’t control anything here, can’t move an arm in fear of wretching the IV drip out or turn his head when he sleeps because of the mask they put on him to make sure he keeps breathing or get up because he can barely feel his legs anymore.

Volleyball is a lost dream, trembling fingers handing back the #15 jersey with shame and remorse, accepting their condolences and "sorry"s with resigned defeat. Walking is difficult enough nowadays, not that he gets many opportunities to do so or that he has the want for it much anymore. Alone, without much else to do, he had mourned how far he could have gone, how _Sakusa_ could have been a revered name in a world he can't step in anymore. It had been the first time he cried since he had been told the news. 

Today is a better day, at the very least, he’s able to sit up and talk without struggle, and this morning he managed to eat breakfast by himself. He had been able to bask a little in the sunlight that the window allowed in, warmth covering him in inviting strokes. He’s glad because he wouldn’t want Atsumu to see him on a bad day, the days when he can’t do anything else but just lie there and wait for the minutes to pass by. 

Today, he can listen to Atsumu talk about the team, about the latest matches and about his brother’s business without having to force the smile on his face. Atsumu is the only person who still looks at Sakusa like he’s still alive, like he can ignore the hospital bed Sakusa has been confined to and the heart monitor Sakusa’s hooked up to if he tries very hard. Atsumu looks at him like they’re about to step out into the court, like he’s about to set the perfect toss for Sakusa to spike, like they’re about to become winners all over again. 

The tenderness and fondness in his eyes is something Sakusa regrets. He would take it back if he could— falling in love with Atsumu and letting Atsumu fall in love with him and all the dates and laughter and sunny mornings spent in bed wrapped up in each other. Even if he had to suffer all the backlash by himself he would take it back because he doesn’t— he has never wanted to hurt Atsumu. 

But here they are anyway, with a two-month deadline pinned on Sakusa and him hurting Atsumu with every hospital visit, with every day that passes that leaves Sakusa’s time remaining shorter. He wants to take it back, he desperately wants to go back to when they thought each other were assholes because at least he wouldn’t have to see Atsumu like this, sitting by his bed with barely concealed tears in his eyes. 

All their visits go like this, filled with Atsumu’s rambling until he runs out of words and they’re left in quiet limbo, both unsure of what to say because what is there to be said? What do you tell somebody who’s about to die and what do you tell somebody who’s about to lose the person they love? Open-ended questions leave both of them in uncomfortable silence, until eventually one of them, usually Atsumu, breaks. 

Sakusa closes his eyes as Atsumu goes down his usual winding spiel, listens to frustrated sobs tear from Atsumu’s chest and the “this isn’t fair”s and the “there’s just not enough time”s. 

“Have you heard the story of Laika?” He asks out of the blue, managing a small smile when Atsumu’s jerks up from the brief sanctuary he’s made with his crossed arms, looking like a deer caught in headlights. It's always nice to catch Atsumu off guard every once in a while, remind himself that no matter how self-assured and confident Atsumu can be at times, he's still human like the rest of them too. 

“I learned about her in my Astronomy courses back in university.” He indulges when Atsumu shakes his head in a confused, bewildered no. “She was the dog they chose to send up to space in order to see if it has habitable, you see.”

“They never expected her to live. She was only given seven days of oxygen anyways, but she died soon after launch. She actually made it to orbit briefly, but the heat of inside the spacecraft was too much for her.” He pauses, looking at the way the bright hospital lights leave half of Atsumu’s face in shadow. “We watched a documentary on her in class, and I remember that the lead dog trainer from the program later wrote that one of the scientists took Laika home to play with their children before she was scheduled for takeoff.”

He hasn’t spoken so much in so long, since breathing had started to become a struggle too. It does seem that today is a very good day after all. Something about that thought makes him laugh, just a little, the sound escaping him suddenly.

When he looks back up, Atsumu is staring at him, with something close to reverence in his gaze. He looks at Sakusa with wonder, like every glimpse is a new sight he’s never seen before. Every day, Sakusa wishes he knew what he did to deserve this, to have Atsumu’s awe and love for himself only. 

“What about her?” Atsumu croaks, voice rough with tears. Sakusa desperately wishes he wasn't the cause of them, that he hasn't been the reason for Atsumu's apparent grief for the past months. 

“My point is, I feel like her moments before takeoff, while they’re still strapping her in.” Sakusa shrugs, feeling oddly nonchalant. 

There’s an attentive curiosity to Atsumu now, unsure of where Sakusa is leading with this as he blinks at Sakusa blowly. Sakusa probably shouldn't, but he enjoys the perplexion in Atsumu's stance, the puzzlement radiating off him anyways.

“Which is?” Atsumu prods on, leaning closer so he’s perched over the railings of the bed now, close enough to touch.

“Like I’m running out of time,” Sakusa admits, feeling mildly guilty at the shocked reel that Atsumu goes through. “They said her heartrate spiked rapidly during the beginning of the flight. I feel like that right now. Terrified, not knowing how much time I have left.”

Atsumu looks like he’s on the verge of tears again. Nothing can stop Sakusa from reaching to thumb away the moisture gathering at the corner of Atsumu’s eyes. It takes effort, but this way he can feel the curve of Atsumu’s jaw, the soft jut of his cheek, the steady thumping of Atsumu's pulse beneath his fingers. This is something he can hold, Atsumu's life in the palm of his hands, cradled like a drop of precious sunlight.

Selfishly, privately, he hopes it beats on for a long while after he's gone. Atsumu, more than anybody, should have a long and beautiful life. He should have that much in repentance for all the hurt and pain Sakusa has inflicted on him, if not for anything else. 

“She deserved better too.” He diverts, flicking at Atsumu’s forehead, aiming to get some laughter.

There’s something about Atsumu’s happiness that’s just unabashedly cute, he muses to himself as color bleed back into his world at the surprised snort Atsumu lets out in response. Atsumu does this to him, gives him life with his loud laughs and cocky smirks and beaming grins. Sakusa just hopes that he’s given a fraction back, that in some small shape and form he’s made Atsumu happy too.

“But?” Atsumu asks, knowing already that there’s one waiting for him.

“Loved.” Sakusa confesses, unable to stop himself from smiling back when Atsumu offers him a watery grin.

Atsumu shifts until his upper body's entirely over the railing, so he can lay his head against Sakusa’s chest right above his still-beating heart.

Sakusa wraps an arm around him, suddenly blinking back his own tears. Something about this moment feels divine, like angels and seraphim gathering together in the tiny space that makes up his hospital room to give him this moment before it’s too late. Sakusa has never been particularly religious, but he feels it all the same, the holiness in having Atsumu pressed up against him, muffling his cries into the cavity of Sakusa's ribs. 

Sakusa bows his head in prayer, pressing his face into Atsumu’s hair without another word. They stay like this, together, for a while longer, for the rest of the time they have.

The heart monitor beeps on.

**Author's Note:**

> i really don't know what i was trying to do here???
> 
> anyways here's a standalone snippet i've been thinking about for the past week. mostly i just wrote this bc i wanted to write about laika and i just shoved sakuatsu into this premise LMAO
> 
> i didn't want it to be too sad?? i was too lazy to do any research into diseases so you can make ur assumptions about whatever sakusa has
> 
> no i'm not planning to write more for this au, but i AM currently in the process of writing a much longer (planned to be around 12k) sakuatsu fic which is mostly canon-compliant, so pls watch out for that :) this is definitely not my best piece of writing and i don't think it's particularly good but ppl seem to want me to post it on ao3 so here it is
> 
> title taken from ["Because I Could Not Stop For Death"](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47652/because-i-could-not-stop-for-death-479) written by Emily Dickenson
> 
> pls come find me on my twitter [@BL4CKJACKALS](https://twitter.com/BL4CKJACKALS)!! i'm quite new to anitwt and would love to make more friends esp sakuatsu friends :))
> 
> furudate pls give us more sakuatsu food in the coming chapters pls!! anyways pls leave a kudo or comment it means a lot :)) until next time sakuatsuists <3


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